Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Randomize
