Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
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