I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
