Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
