She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
