I want to have your abortion
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Randomize
