I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i would punch a child for taco bell
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
Ketchup is God's man juice
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
