He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
