So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
