I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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