mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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