Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
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