so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
Randomize
