I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
