I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
