Soap is not a condiment
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
