I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
