You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
