Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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