I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
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