Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
