I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Swine flu is the new snow day.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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