He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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