wakey wakey hands off snakey
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
