I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
