my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
