I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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