Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Randomize
