remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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