Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
