I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
