don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
