he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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