Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
