3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
