What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
It totally doesn't make me a groupie if I hooked up with him before he was in the Olympics
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Randomize
