I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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