through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
