so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
Randomize
