okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
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