I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
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