He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
