I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
