I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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