I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
