Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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