His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
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When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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