I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
