That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
He called his prostate his "boner button".
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
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