it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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