Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
