Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
