winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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