I am pretty sure the guy in the stall two dwn from me is jerking it...seriously
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
Randomize
