The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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