She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
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