i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Randomize
