Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Randomize